Ambitious for God

Marriage Week is a primary preventative campaign which seeks to highlight the benefits of healthy marriage to society, media and governments, whilst seeking to educate and inform couples regarding the benefits of an ever-improving relationship, through largely church based events, and media coverage. (Marriage Week International, n.d.)

You can learn more about Marriage Week International on their website: https://www.marriage-weekinternational.com

Petr Činčala, on behalf of JACL: Hi Richard! Thanks for talking with us today. Could you introduce yourself to our readers?

Richard Kane: My name is Richard Kane; I’m 60 years old. I have been married to Maria, originally from Sweden, for 35 years. We have three grown-up children (32, 30, and 27). I live in Dorset, in the United Kingdom. I do lots of different jobs; I’m kind of a portfolio worker. I have a business where I develop properties—build house houses, sell them—and I’m on the board of two different charity organizations, which I do as a volunteer. I also take the lead on the network which I started 26 years ago, and occasionally I speak on the radio or TV. I’m involved in my local church, where I speak, and I also speak in different places.

JACL: You’re a busy man! In your younger years, what gave you the sense that you needed to go beyond the typical routine of work/generating an income?

RK: As a child, I never wanted to take the predictable career route. I was raised in a tough industrial town in the north of England. When I was at school, there were only two employers in town: one was British Steel, where they made steel, and one was ICI—Imperial Chemical Industry—where they made chemicals. I remember on a career day, I was asked, “Well, which is it gonna be, Richard? British Steel or ICI?” And I said, “I don’t really fancy either one!” And they said, “What do you want to be, then?” And I said, “I don’t know, but I know what I don’t want. I don’t want work in British Steel or ICI.” I’d seen men spend their lives there, and I didn’t want that for myself.

I didn’t realize I was ambitious until I was 38. Up until then, while I was demonstrating ambition, I didn’t realize it was actually ambition. I just thought everybody was like me. When I was 38, I had a job at the Young Men’s Christian Association. The boss there told me, “You’re so ambitious!” And I said, “Who, me?” I hadn’t realized it. But of course, when he said that and I looked back, I could see it. I had started my first business when I was 18 and bought my first house when I was 19. Then I moved away from the northeast when I was 20 to where I live now in Dorset.

That’s when I became a Christian. I didn’t become a Christian to fulfill my ambitions; in fact, I had to put all my ambitions on hold. But I found in Christ you could be ambitious in a legitimate way because God empowers you. I was repentant and I didn’t want to break the heart of God, but part of me becoming a Christian was so that I could really start to find out who I really was. There was no shame in being ambitious for God.

JACL: As you discovered your ambitious nature, how did the desire to empower and help others shape you? How did it become real? I know from our previous conversations that what really makes you happy is when you are going to different parts of the world and recruiting, training, helping, and empowering national leaders who will lead the National Marriage Week campaign.

RK: With the National Marriage Week project, we discovered a project that (a) worked really well, and (b) was scalable. We did a pilot with you, Petr, in the Czech Republic and in Switzerland that same year, and we quickly discovered that this was scalable because it had an infectious component. I felt like, “Well, why wouldn’t you want to keep such a movement going? Why wouldn’t you want to make that kind of impact?”

I can remember in the early days of the initiative, booking flights to other countries to discuss launching the initiative there and thinking, “Who’s going to meet with me on the other end? This is madness!” Normally, when you fly to a destination, someone is expecting you. But I remember booking flights and just flying into a vacuum, not really knowing who I was going to see or who I was going to meet. But I liked that! It was an adventure. Too, when I went on these trips, I felt as if I had a calling, like my work was a God-inspired initiative. What could possibly go wrong?

JACL: I know you mentioned that others saw you as ambitious. Have you ever been trained by a Christian leader or been a part of a mentoring relationship? Or do you feel you are called by God and then self-shaped?

RK: I’ve had no formal training, and I don’t have a mentor. Although, I can honestly say, in both regards I would have liked to have had good training, and I would have loved to have had a mentor. However, I’ve never found anybody who was prepared to take me on.

However, I think a lot of activities within Christendom (and by that, I mean parachurches, denominations, and movements) easily become fixated on training. And before they know it, much of the organization’s activity and energy is involved with training and equipping. And while training is not inherently bad, it leaves very little energy for the mission of the church, which should be, “Let’s get out and get people saved! Let’s win people for Christ!”

JACL: Of course, it depends on the type of training. But I understand what you are saying. You are more about taking action; you are a more hands-on person. In fact, that’s how we began our work together. You came to me in the Czech Republic and held a two-day marriage seminar, teaching couples how to improve their marriage. I, myself, learned from you because I saw you doing it; we spent very little time in a classroom with teaching. You taught me what you knew and then sent me off on my own. From what you taught me, I was able to help start the National Marriage Week campaign in the Czech Republic.

RK: Exactly. I operate this way because that’s the model I see in the New Testament through the ministry of Jesus and Paul—who were obviously very empowering people!

I spent two or three years with Youth with a Mission (YWAM), and when I left YWAM and married Maria, people said to me, “Are you going to go to Bible college? Are you going to get ordained? Are you going do all these things?” But I was so impatient! It wouldn’t have done me any harm to do such a thing. In fact, it might have been a good thing. However, I remember feeling like I had just spent three years training with YWAM. If I started all over again, it suggested that the training I had received was not of any particular value. It was then I decided I wanted to focus my energy on the hands-on work of helping others in the tangible ways I knew.

JACL: Very good. What do you think is the most important quality in a leader?

RK: I have two qualities, not just one. I think, to be kind is really important. As leaders, it’s very easy to slip into the mindset that it’s more important to be right than to be kind. But I would turn that around and say it’s more important to be kind than be right. Now, obviously there’s a place for absolute truth; I’m not disparaging that. But I think we can get so ugly in our “rightness” that we lose all sense of kindness. I think it’s very important to be kind in all our relationships: with our spouses, with our children, with our neighbors, with our colleagues.

Part of this, I think, is being kind in our words. This doesn’t mean that we can’t say things which are difficult or awkward. But I think an important quality is to be careful what we say, to wrap it in kindness, and to be extremely careful about what we write. The written word has such a lot of history. People will dig out our writings years in the future and say, “You said this.” When we are kind, our words are much less easily misconstrued or held against us.

The other trait I believe that leaders should have is courage. We have to be brave, and we have to be prepared to step ahead and imagine what the future could look like. We have to start creating structures and plans in a vacuum in the hope that God will bring the right people along to fill it up.

These traits are important for leaders of any kind. But as a Christian, you’re empowered by the presence of the Holy Spirit to be kind and have courage in a different way. If you look at Jesus, He didn’t wake up one morning when He was three or four, look out of His pram, and say, “Oh, by the way, everybody, I just want you to know I’m the Son of God.” He had to learn who He was, and part of learning who He was—His calling—took courage. He had to have the courage to say, “This is who I am, I understand what that means, and I’m going with it.” Jesus was pretty brave!

I also think it’s really important to be consistent in who you are. For example, if I was speaking to the builders who work for me or the members of Parliament, I’d like to be consistent. I like to be the same person irrespective of the environment I’m in or who I’m with. So, I’m nice and respectful to the builders I’m working with, and I thank them for what they do. But I’m kind just the same way as I would be with someone really important.

JACL: So, let’s change the subject a bit. I want you to talk about marriage because you have had the courage to talk about marriage openly through the National Marriage Week campaign. When someone is involved in leadership—especially Christian leadership—their spouses are not always happy. They suffer because the leader seems to minister to everybody but them. Of course, every marriage goes through some difficult times. But wouldn’t you also say that marriage is extra important for a Christian leader because it tests you and who you are at your core.

RK: Well, first let me say that I believe a single person is just as valid as anybody who’s married. I’ve heard philosophies that suggest that you can only experience the fullness of God in marriage because you have a blend of male and female. I don’t accept that at all; after all, Jesus was single and was completely fulfilled. Paul said, “It’s much better to be single than married,” and so on.

However, I think if you are married, what you need to do is to be married really well. I once attended a conference in Washington, DC, held by a marriage organization called Smart Marriages. One of the speakers was the senior chaplain from the American Navy. During his presentation, he said, “It’s very nice that you’ve invited me to the Smart Marriages conference. Of course, the name suggests that if there are ‘smart marriages,’ then there are also ‘dumb marriages.’” Of course, everybody laughed because it’s true. You end up with the marriage that you want. Every investment, good or bad, is an investment, nonetheless.

With my wife, I work really hard to be kind, gentle, and funny. I like to amuse her. I like to keep her entertained, even in the small things. If you do something that’s funny or you convey a funny story, then you’re trying. But it doesn’t just happen without conscious thought and effort. Love languages are important, as is spending time together. I feel like this is all basic stuff. There’s no magic formula to making marriage work.

However, fundamentally, having a good attitude is at the core of a good marriage. And what I mean by attitude is, am I leaning into you or am I leaning out? You can have all the skills, all the knowledge, be great resolving conflict, understand the love languages, and communicate really well, but if your attitude towards the other person is rubbish, then it’s all nonsense. It all boils down to attitude.

JACL: I know you have many creative ideas for your business and you are involved in a nonprofit. How did this translate into your development of National Marriage Week?

RK: I remember the first year we did Marriage Week in Germany. Our friends in Germany are very organized, which is great; it’s their strength as a nation. When we launched National Marriage Week in Germany and opened an office, everyone was excited. But then pastors throughout the whole country had the same conversation with the office: “What is the curriculum? What do we have to do to kick off this campaign?” The Marriage Week officers responded, “There isn’t one! Just make one up!” The pastors were shocked. “No curriculum? You want us to innovate?”

See, if you produce a curriculum, two things happen. First, you have to produce a curriculum year after year, which can become burdensome. But also, what you produce becomes linear—everything stems from one source and goes down the line. However, if you empower people to innovate and create for themselves, you create an orbital thing, a movement.

This is why National Marriage Week works in different cultures. We have people waiting in different countries for us to bring them National Marriage Week, and we already have a presence in, I think, 30 countries. While we have this presence, nobody has ever heard of me because we’re a movement, not a linear organization. If I produced a curriculum or made a new video every year, people would know me. But it’s not about me; it’s about the vision. It’s about people getting their own ideas from their own relationship with God and with people around them. It creates a sense of ownership.

JACL: When I worked with you in the Czech Republic, I was inspired because I liked the creative freedom that you provided. There was no budget or red tape involved; we were grassroots volunteers with the freedom to start a movement. What we needed most, however, was the courage, the enthusiasm, the vision, the empowerment. And I probably would not have had those things if I had not been working with you.

However, after we launched, you didn’t just say, “Okay, go! You’re on your own now!” You would check in and ask, “What is happening? Can I come?” And you would come!

RK: That was intentional! It was exciting. I wanted to be there and communicate that I was involved.

JACL: I also noticed that when you arrived, you didn’t want to be the center of attention, like, “The media needs to talk to me first and then to others.” You were there waiting, enjoying the moment, and if needed, you would speak. I know people would also reach out to you any time you came; they would find you, and you would talk and inspire them.

RK: I wanted to be there to encourage you guys, to say, “Well done!” I wanted to come back and celebrate your accomplishments. But it wasn’t about me.

JACL: Can you share some of the joys of your leadership experiences?

RK: There have been lots of joys as the leader of this movement. I remember the first year; planning for the first ever National Marriage Week was supposed to be a secret. We hadn’t told anybody in the media. But then I got a phone call from the assistant to a minister in the government, who said, “If we put on a reception to launch your project and a lunch afterwards, get the media to come along, and get the minister, himself, to do a speech, would you, Mr. Kane, be free to host?” It felt crazy at that time, but it was exciting.

Then it escalated because after I had spoken with the minister’s assistant, I went to a meeting with some people in Whitehall, in London. I had never done anything like this before! National Marriage Week had no money; we were just a cheeky little outfit. At that meeting in Whitehall, they said to me, “Mr. Kane, you sit on the left, and the chancellor will sit on the right.” They explained all the protocol, which as you know, the Brits are always so good at. I said to them, “Why are you doing this? We’re just a little charity, running from the garage in my house. The garage doesn’t even have windows. And these people are really important!”

Then one of them pointed her finger at me and said, “Mr. Kane, you are National Marriage Week, and her majesty’s government wants to do this with you!” I thought, “Wow, they really believe this exists!” It was far beyond anything I could have imagined. Then I thought of the words of Mary, “Let it be done to me according to your will.” And that’s what happened.

It was an amazing moment, but it was also very hard. It was amazing because suddenly I was famous. However, it was hard because we have no money. We couldn’t even buy our kids, who were little, proper Christmas gifts. I remember really struggling with the paradox: on one hand, God comes and breathes on something you do, but you still have pain and difficulty over here.

It’s not always been easy.

JACL: As we close, how would you encourage Christian leaders who are called by God, who have His love, who are passionate, but find themselves stuck in boxes?

RK: I think if I was speaking to a conference room full of Christian leaders, I’d ask them to stop and take stock: what have I got that is good? What do I have that’s not so good. Where are my strengths, my weaknesses? Where are the opportunities and threats? Then I’d ask them to do something which is out of their comfort zone, to be a bit courageous and brave. I’d ask them to evaluate how to maximize the opportunities in their own lives.

I’m sure they’d all sit there and think, “Well, I’m busy with this. There’s no spare time,” which is true. But equally, our lives are not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing, and you have to somehow get hold of opportunity and turn it into something which is living. That’s what the ministry of Jesus was all about.

Richard Kane founded National Marriage Week in 1996 in the United Kingdom; the initiative has expanded to Marriage Week International since that time. Kane lives in Dorset, United Kingdom, with his wife, Maria; he has three adult children.

Petr Činčala, PhD, is director of the Institute of Church Ministry at Andrews University, associate professor of World Mission, director of Natural Church Development (NCD) America, and executive editor of the Journal of Applied Christian Leadership.

Reference

Marriage Week International. (n.d.). History. https://www.marriage-weekinternational.com/history