Accept How You Feel: How to Find Balance and Enjoy Freedom from Stress

By Karen Graham 

Light Ideas Press (2020) 

Kindle Edition

Reviewed by ROBIN J. LEWIS

The topic of Accepting How You Feel by Dr. Karen Graham is common to many new books being published on mental health, especially in the aftermath of the COVID pandemic. Accepting How You Feel is presented in three general sections: (a) theory that informs the reader why resisting feelings causes stress; (b) raising awareness to find inner balance; and (c) how to manage emotional disturbances and restore balance. Throughout the book, short and helpful self-tests are given to guide the reader to understand and experience an awareness of the mind-body relationship.

In the Introduction, the book states, “Challenges in life are universal and often involve having unwanted emotional experiences. Coping well depends a lot on the way you respond to your feelings” (loc. viii).

The first section of the book opens with a description of universal emotions, including sadness, fear, anger, surprise, disgust, love, and joy. It is important to understand feelings and emotions as inter-changeable concepts that accompany a physical sensation in the body. We do not “think” an emotion; we experience a feeling deep within, as well as on the surface of our body. We therefore have emotional bodies.

There is a significant relationship between our feelings and how our bodies function (loc. 6). Examples are feeling light in the body when one is happy or feeling heavy when one is sad. Feelings are involved with different systems in the body, including the brain. Serotonin receptors associated with our brains are also found in the intestines, highlighting the relationship that exists between our feelings and our gut. Though feelings are transient, if blocked, our emotions will also cause a blockage at the biochemical level of the body, meaning that“unresolved emotional issues are not limited to the brain and the nervous system” (loc. 7). This tension can cause a bi-directional negative influence between the emotions/feelings and the physical body.

Our feelings are caused by our own internal mind-body processes and not by external forces, per se. Graham states, “How you value and assess what happens, relates to your highly sensitive beliefs and opinions about yourself and the world” (loc. 8). Our thought processes—whether conscious or unconscious, even imagination—influence our emotions. Our triggered feelings/emotions are therefore closely related to our own judgments and beliefs, fears, or insecurities. Since each person thinks uniquely and feels emotions in a personalized way, each one of us have our own perception in every situation.

Feelings that are painful or complicated can be hard to deal with. If we do not like the emotional sensations we feel, our minds will resist and block the uncomfortable emotional feedback we receive in our physical body. Every time we have that same sensation, the mind steps in and suppresses that emotional feeling, unwilling to allow it to be released. The author says that if feelings are allowed to fully arise, they are also fully released (loc. 35). If we mentally block these feelings (i.e., “keep our cool”), we erect barriers that numb the relationship between the physical body and the mind, causing physical and mental distress—and later, even illness. Leaders who handle their emotions in a controlled manner and are able to rationalize afterward what caused the trigger will be able to remain emotionally balanced.

The author makes it clear that we need to distinguish between accepting our feelings and agreeing with them. Accepting how we feel allows us to have an emotional experience, allowing it to arise and dissipate. This does not mean that we fully understand or agree with the feeling. But, by accepting how we feel at that moment, our mind does not block the bodily experience and pre-judge the feeling (loc. 42). Any blocked emotional experience becomes stressfully stored information (loc. 43). We can accumulate a lot of emotional baggage if we do not allow our emotions freedom to rise and dissipate freely. We may become emotionally switched off as a way of coping when we suppress our feelings. For good leaders, “it is essential to understand our own feelings if we want to empathize with others” (loc. 50). This statement sums up the value of reading this book. By understanding yourself, you can understand other people better.

The second section of the book raises the awareness of what blocked emotions can look like and how to resolve them. We must let go of the idea that others are responsible for how we feel. We need to make peace with our own feelings of anger and disappointment. The sooner we accept negative feelings, the sooner we will bring equilibrium back between thoughts and emotional bodily sensations. Graham writes that if our feelings were entirely caused by outside forces, then we would be virtually helpless in controlling our emotional selves.

The author suggests that the best way to deal with already triggered feelings is not to react to them but to let them flow, which usually lasts only for a minute or so. Keeping quiet and allowing the feelings to subside is like being a good listener. In this case, you listen/feel the sensation that your own body is experiencing. This is a healthy response to feelings and afterward we can analyze what caused the feeling to arise (loc. 82). Like a good listener, we should also avoid self-criticism— “I should not be feeling like this.” We should also decline from prematurely judging our feelings and bodily sensations when they are triggered—“I am just tired.” If we do, we may block important details of the real feeling underneath all of this—“I am scared” (loc. 83).

Our capacity to know ourselves and understand the reasons for the way we behave requires us to consciously accept, rather than react to, a feeling. To be comfortable around others, we must be comfortable within ourselves. Therefore, to cope well in a difficult situation means to be emotionally aware of and to tolerate an uncomfortable feeling. Inner balance is achieved only when we can acknowledge all our feelings about an issue. This allows us to become emotionally stronger and more resilient (loc. 102), becoming less intensely or easily triggered, more patient, and less frustrated (loc. 103). “It creates authentic self-confidence and a healthy self-esteem” (loc. 106).

The third section of the book explains how to manage emotional disturbance and restore balance when a single strong negative feeling tries to highjack your whole emotional being.

Instead of saying, “I feel terrible,” the author suggests that phrases like, “Part of me is feeling terrible at this moment” can compartmentalize the feeling so that it does not become an overwhelming emotional experience. At the same time, we acknowledge the feeling and the body sensation that support the negative experience. This is less stressful than an open denial, and emotional healing starts to take place.

The book reminds us that we are multifaceted beings with likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and we can hold contrary opinions and feelings about ourselves. This also helps guard against judgmental feelings that can cause more inner conflict.

The author says we should keep training ourselves to have emotional experiences, rather than blocking them. Allowing emotions and bodily sensations to come and go makes us more emotionally mature and able to understand ourselves better without being critical or judgmental.

Finally, the author gives an exercise called the Circle for anyone that really wants to go all in with his/her mind-body relationship. This exercise helps when it feels that everything is all jumbled up and there are too many feelings that need separate clarification and untangling. Using the Circle in a timeline approach can help explore and validate all the feelings that bother us, one feeling at a time.

No book on feelings should be without a section on anger. True to form, the exercise of allowing the emotion of anger to arise without reacting to it is recommended. Though we acknowledge the feeling, we do not resist the feeling by an anger outburst; we allow the feeling and bodily sensation to dissipate at its own time. Afterward we can investigate what triggered the anger. We are reminded that it is not the other person but our highly sensitive beliefs and opinions about ourselves and the world that causes our strong anger emotions to surface.

The final chapter deals with helping yourself, or others, discuss negative feelings. This deals with tricky relationship issues, and the author cautions that, if not handled carefully, this can create more tension within relationships (loc. 179).

I highly recommend this book for any person wanting to understand themselves better and who wants to be more effective in their relationships.

Robin Lewis is a minister of the South England Conference of Seventh-day Adventists and serves in a district of two churches and two church plants. He is currently studying for a DMin degree in multi-ethnic multicultural mission and ministry from Andrews University.