Ego vs. EQ: How Top Leaders Beat 8 Ego Traps With Emotional Intelligence

 

By Jen Shirkani; Brookline, MA: Bibliomotion (2013); Reviewed by Robert L. Overstreet 

Much has been written on the topic of Emotional Quotient (EQ) and how crucial the development of EQ is for leaders. Other researchers have explored how the ego affects the leader and can serve as either a benefit or detriment. Shirkani expands both avenues of thinking by exploring how EQ and ego balance each other and by explaining how emotional intelligence can be used as a tool to avoid career derailment that can result from an uncontrolled ego. According to Shirkani, the leadership disappointment and failure rate is high, with two out of five CEOs failing to succeed in their first year and a half on the job. Shirkani explains the most common reasons for ineffectiveness in leadership by examining ego and providing tools and strategies that can help leaders raise their EQ, prevent leadership breaches, and  thus avoid a downward spiral of consequences.

Shirkani fulfills her stated purpose of exploring the relationship between ego and EQ by providing many relevant examples that illuminate this relationship. Shirkani’s well-written book offers many reader-friendly strategies that include bullet point lists or key points, tables such as “You Know You’ve Fallen Into Ego trap 7 If:” (p. 118), and short summaries at the end of each chapter, which she calls “In a Nutshell.” Also at the end of each chapter, Shirkani provides an implementation plan for “applying the three Rs” (Recognize, Read, and Respond), facilitating readers’ self-evaluation and application.

Drawing on real-life narratives from Shirkani’s two decades of coaching, Ego vs. EQ includes stories and case studies of leadership successes and failures through the lens of ego and emotional quotient. Shirkani defines ego as that part of a person that is concerned with the self to the exclusion of others. While EQ (Emotional Quotient) is not specifically defined by Shirkani, she does quote contributing authors’ definitions, such as Daniel Goleman (2006) and Peter Salovey and John Mayer (2004), thus assuming their definitions for the purpose of this book. Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth. EQ is often used interchangeably with EI, as the two terms are defined in the same way. While her title may lead some to believe that she is presenting an argument for how either ego or EQ is more important for a leader to have, Shirkani instead identifies eight ego traps that leaders can fall into on their leadership journey, and explains how a focus on EQ can help them avoid those ego traps.

The first ego trap a leader can succumb to is to ignore feedback he or she does not like, which robs the leader of a precious opportunity to improve personal performance and that of one’s team. Ego trap two is the belief that one’s technical skills trump leadership skills. In place of this, letting go of the need to be the expert and investing energy in developing the team’s expertise is imperative. Ego trap three, surrounding yourself with more of you, is a mistake that is common among leaders. The key here is to avoid surrounding oneself with individuals who see matters similarly and instead to seek out those who see from a different perspective. Not letting go of control is the fourth ego trap. Leaders must establish good processes and allow team members freedom to do excellent work, facilitating this work with honest and open two-way communication.

The final four ego traps are equally compelling. Ego trap Five involves being blind to one’s downstream impact, which can be exacerbated by advisors who refuse to give accurate feedback and silently defer to the leader rather than making waves.

Ego trap Six is underestimating how much others are observing leadership. The fact of the matter is that everyone watches what the leader does. the behavior of the leader within the organization, either good or bad, is the primary example by which everyone else acts. Most likely, people will follow the leader’s behaviors, demeanor, and even character. The seventh ego trap involves losing track of the experience of those on the front lines, which can lead to poor leadership decisions. Understanding how frontline individuals think and feel is thus essential. Finally, the eighth ego trap is ego relapse, or returning to known and comfortable patterns of behavior which may be negative; this can result in a leader shifting back from high EQ to high ego behavior.

Shirkani points out that the greatest application of her book is for leaders who are willing to free themselves of their personal egos and stop hiding behind the titles they hold. according to Skirkani, over one-third of all CEOs fail within their first 18 months on the job because highly confident leaders create barriers to valuable information that is completely seen and viewed by other stakeholders. She emphasizes that all leaders, from young rookie leaders to confident veterans, must eliminate these barriers. Shirkani reminds her readers that when leaders fall into traps such as these, they risk not only the demise of their own careers but also the destruction of their organizations.

Leaders or managers with supervisory responsibilities as well as those who have recently embarked upon a career in business or who are now preparing for one would benefit greatly from a thoughtful reading of this book.

Caveats to this book include the fact that those who would benefit the most from what Shirkani writes are also the least likely to be aware of or acknowledge their need to manage their egos. additionally, in my opinion, the title of the book is somewhat deceptive because it suggests a confrontational relationship between ego and EQ when, in fact, those with healthy egos are most likely to have a well developed EQ. Another potential drawback of this book is one that is true for many: the value of the guidance that Shirkani provides will be determined almost entirely by how effectively each reader applies what he or she learns.

In conclusion, Shirkani points out that there will be many instances in the process of leadership where the leader simply cannot control the outcome or the end product. What a leader can control are interactions with one’s team. A leader can choose to lead from an unconscious place driven by ego or to lead intentionally with EQ at the forefront. Being aware of the areas where ego may tend to result in poor leadership can allow a leader to be authentic and to practice emotionally intelligent leadership.

Shirkani urges readers to remember that “it’s not about changing who you are, but instead opening your eyes to some of your blind spots and being courageous enough to make a few small but incredibly powerful changes” (p. 158). Since Shirkani’s work opens the door for leaders to identify their own ego traps and provides simple actions to remedy those traps, I would recommend this book to leaders who want to avoid the traps that ego can cause and to lead in a way that capitalizes on EQ. Many of the principles embraced in this book mirror those that a Christian leader would want to use as he or she seeks to live by the Golden Rule.

References

1. Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ (10th-anniversary ed.). New York, NY: Bantam.
2. Salovey, P., Brackett, M. A., & Mayer, J. D. (2004). Emotional intelligence: Key readings on the Mayer and Salovey model. Port Chester, NY: Dude.

Robert Overstreet is principal at Andrews Academy in Berrien Springs, Michigan, and studies leadership at Andrews University.