Drs. Nancy and Ron Rockey founded Fixable Life, Inc. (now known as Life Renewal) after years of marital frustration and discord. Their past experiences, magnified by issues as they served in a pastoral capacity, lead them to graduate degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Pastoral Counseling. Now retired, Nancy and Ron live in New Mexico. To learn more about Life Renewal, visit fixablelife.org.
Petr Cincala, PhD, is director of the Institute of Church Ministry, Andrews University, assistant professor of World Mission, director of NCD (Natural Church Development) America, and managing editor of the Journal of Applied Christian Leadership.
Petr Cincala, on behalf of the Journal of Applied Christian Leadership: When you look back at your experiences as a minister’s spouse, what have been the greatest joys and sorrows of ministry?
Ron and Nancy Rockey: The greatest joy for me was the day we were assigned to a district of two churches and moved into the parsonage. It had been my lifelong dream to be married to a pastor. However, the actual work of our pastoral ministry in that district began rather dramatically, when a church member who was being abused by her husband came to visit. That visit took place while we were still mostly packed in boxes. While it felt great to be needed, it was disappointing that we had very little practical help to give her, with the exception of praying with her.
For me, the greatest joys included home and hospital visits with my husband, helping plan and execute ideas for the church family and the community at large, seeing hope arising in the lives of others, and building relationships with members. Sorrows can be present amidst the joy. These included having to bury some members, having members who oppose nearly everything planned or preached, church board arguments, and relational angst between members.
JACL: From your books, I recall that while you and your husband were in ministry (for 15 years), you were experiencing rough times at home. Yet, from the outside, you were perceived as an ideal couple and family. People looked up to you. Can you explain how this felt?
R: This is true, and it felt confusing and heart-breaking until shortly into our time in our second district. We discovered that, just as the Bible says, people die from lack of knowledge (Hos. 4:6). Both Ron and I had brought baggage from painful childhood experiences into our marriage, and we hadn’t realized its overwhelming impact on our relationship. In ministry, we found working together to be easy. We loved each other dearly, would hold each other and cry after a spat, but didn’t know how to fix things. We discovered the reason for our personal pain through advanced education; we then found answers and solutions that worked when we applied them.
JACL: From your experiences, what makes a leader a “good leader” in the context of ministry?
R: First, a direct calling from God is necessary to this work. Secondly, entreating God for wisdom and help in personal self-examination, as well as a consistent prayer life. It is valuable to know one’s own specific giftedness (i.e., which quadrants of the brain receive the greatest supply of oxygen). Additionally, an understanding of the origins of sadness, anger, poor self-worth, difficult relationships, etc. is extremely helpful in dealing with and in counseling the saints. It is also necessary to guard one’s own time, with ample periods of rest and relaxation and family interaction.
JACL: As you are well aware, congregations sometimes lose their drive to reach beyond their boundaries; this results in isolation from their community. Can you tell us about your philosophy of ministry? Specifically, how do you win the trust of congregations to help them reach out again and become part of the community?
R: Relationships are built on trust—this is the first step. Trust is built as you share who you are with members, and they are willing and able to share themselves with you. Keep your word, be available when needed, comfort in grief and illness, etc. Do this in the community, and build relationships with pastors of other denominations.
Once you have built relationships in the congregation, think creatively to reach out to the community—and I don’t necessarily mean this in an evangelistic series. One thing that helped us was to do an Annual Thanksgiving and Praise service for our community, with lots of music and a five-minute sermonette on Giving Thanks. This was followed by a Thanksgiving Luncheon with a planned menu, designed so that church members and people from the community could mingle.
Another initiative we used was a Christmas Eve program for children of church members and from the community. During this program, we gave gift bags to each of the children. One-on-one relationships build trust, acceptance, and create a willingness to hear the Gospel. Also, these activities empower the saints to share the Gospel with non-members.
JACL: You have a long history with ministry. After completing your educational studies, you led the family ministry for a conference, worked for “Faith for Today,” and started Fixable Life (now called Life Renewal). You have led a number of retreats, seminars and trainings, and you have also preached. What particular leadership trait became a key ingredient in your ministry to impact those with whom you interacted?
R: Transparency! When the impression is given that you are not above or better than your listeners, or merely teaching them from books, they recognize your ability to understand the difficulties they are facing. Offering the listeners an understanding of their pain and tools that have been a blessing to you, personally—specifically when backed by the Bible and Ellen G. White quotations and teachings—gives them hope. Hope is often the very thing that so many are lacking.
JACL: From your counseling experiences, how would you characterize leaders of today? What are their biggest strengths and weaknesses?
R: Some begin their pastoral ministry at a very young age. They may not have been trained in the nuances of dealing with members (and others) who have carried/are carrying emotional pain. We believe it is wise for them to be educated about the types of pain they, themselves, and others carry and discover practical answers to alleviating that pain. Of course, prayer is a major component for healing, and so is knowledge. Compassion and caring, accompanied by valuable Biblical and psychological knowledge, would go a long way to benefiting the church. This would indeed be a strength!
Weaknesses may include lack of personal connection with their members and/or fear of reaching out to others in the community in which they serve. There is a tendency to remain aloof and distant from relationship with members.
JACL: Why is it so important for leaders—specifically in ministry—to be “healthy” in all aspects?
R: Physical health is needed in order to “keep on keeping on.” Emotional health and wellbeing is needed to treat members with kindness and understanding, to encourage them to talk and share their concerns, and to offer comfort and help without judgement. A healthy prayer and study life is also important to maintaining your relationship with God, as is the ability to use the Bible to teach and counsel.
It is extremely advisable to maintain a communicative and romantic relationship with one’s life partner. This gives a strong message to members and community alike and protects the pastor from those who would seek to come between the pastoral couple.
JACL: What role does family play in the career of minister?
R: In our opinion, a relationship with God is number one. Family should come next, with time and undivided attention given to one’s wife/husband and children on a daily basis. Extended family, such as parents and siblings, also deserve attention, but not as frequently as immediate household members. Maintaining healthy family relationships has benefits, especially when it comes to church member emergencies and cooperation in day-to-day pastoral ministry.
JACL: What are the most common incorrect assumptions about ministers?
R: That they should be perfect and bow to the wishes of their church members. Of course, this is unreasonable because it is impossible to please everyone. Other faulty expectations of pastors is that they should never be tired and that they should be the one who does all of the witnessing and evangelizing.
JACL: What are the most common expectations from ministers?
R: From my experience, there are four main common expectations:
- That every sermon a pastor preaches should/could be perfect.
- That all church members should agree with each other on all points.
- That pastors should be held on a pedestal by their members.
- That pastors should never be tired and should have boundless energy because they work for God.
JACL: What are the most frequent mistakes ministers commit as they lead churches?
R: I believe that reluctance to listen to members’ requests/opinions and unwillingness to visit in the homes of their members (specifically in a pre COVID world) are among the most frequently made mistakes by ministers. Both of these can cause the pastor not to really know his/her people and to act as if that his/her way is the only way.
JACL: What are your recommendations for ministers as Christian leaders in view of what you have shared with us?
R: I have five specific suggestions:
- Know yourself and the strengths and weaknesses that you have developed as a result of your earlier years and experiences.
- Know the behaviors that come from the wounds you have received. Also, gently ask questions of your members privately when your behaviors cause disruption in the congregation, in a person’s life, or in relationships.
- Offer appropriate help to members that they can restart their lives and re-energize the church toward kindly sharing the Gospel in the community, knowing the Hosea 4:6 text declares that “My people die for lack of knowledge.”
- Pastors are shepherds. We believe that their shepherding should include teaching, protecting, loving, and comforting those in their flock.
- When church members experience hope through a change in behaviors and improvement in their relationships, they will reach out to non-Christian family and friends with the hope they have received, thus spreading the Good News of the Gospel. In this way, they will provide an introduction to a relationship with Jesus Christ.